Tears
by SisiDraig - 2
Summary: What will happen when Vince and Howard's parental claim is questioned? - Angsty multi-chap sequel to When two people cuddle... D/C: Not mine... still! xx
1. Chapter 1

"Dad. Dad. Dad. Daaaaaaaaaaaad. Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!" Pause. "He won't listen to me. Jones, you have a go."

"Dad. Hey dad! DAD! Vince! Oh, hang on." Jones walked over to the high-fi and turned it up as loud as it would go. "ANYTHING?" he screamed over the music.

Vinward shook his head and the music died away. "Rich, you have a go."

"Dad. Please talk to us."

Silence.

"I tried." shrugged Richmond. As he sat back on his beanbag the three boys heard a sharp intake of breath and they looked back over to the hunched figure of their dad. He had his back to them and was reading a letter over and over again. He hadn't moved since he'd received it this morning. Richmond had announced he was in a trance and they'd left it there but they were hungry now and although Jones had claimed he could live on sweets, even he was craving some real food.

"Dad?" Vinward said slowly. "Are you… I mean, are you…"

"crying?" Jones finished.

"Well, I was gonna say 'alright' but, yeah, that too."

There was a sniff and Vince rubbed his face with the back of his hand. "I'm fine," He choked out, "you go and play outside."

"Brilliant!" grinned Vinward, "Can we take our bikes into the street?"

"No!" Vince almost shouted. "Go out the back. Don't. Don't leave the house today, okay boys?"

"Why?" asked Jones.

"Just do as your told!" Vince yelled and the boys gasped and ran into the back garden quickly.

--

Jones was throwing a tennis ball against a wall. He had zero co-ordination and kept having to run and retrieve it. Once it went near the window and he couldn't help peek through the lace curtains. Vince was shaking, sobs into his hands. He was still clutching the letter and Jones didn't like it.

"Psst." he hissed at his brother. "What do you think's on that letter?"

"Maybe his hair dye's run out?" shrugged Vinward.

"No." Jones replied shaking his head to emphasise the point. "This is bigger than a hair dye mishap. He looks really upset. Do you think something really bad's happened?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know, Uncle Bollo's getting on a bit."

"What are you suggesting?"

"Nothing… I just… Have you ever seen Dad Vince cry before?"

He had a point. Vince was always seen to be the girly one. Everyone thought that he was the crier but he wasn't. That was Howard. Vince never cried. He was always the strong one really but now he was sobbing like a big baby. Suddenly, he looked up and saw the three boys peering through the window.

They dropped to their knees to get out of site but they knew it was too late. Vince suddenly appeared out of the back door and walked over to them. They got sheepishly to their feet.

He considered them for a second. His cheeks were shiny with tears and his eyeliner was streaked down his face. His eyes were red and bright and Richmond immediately knew what that meant. He was angry, not upset. Just furious about something… about that letter. Richmond swallowed, bracing himself to get screamed at but Vince just sobbed and gathered them into a desperate hug. He held them so tight it was almost painful. He held them for ages and when he did pull away, he kissed each of them on the forehead. He walked back into the house leaving the boys to ponder what the hell was going on.

--

It didn't get any better when Howard got home from his jazz day with Lester Corncrake's head. As soon as he walked through the front door, he knew something was wrong. He could sense it in the silence of the house. He went into the living room. The boys were all there. The TV was off. Jones had his headphones in. Richmond was painting and Vinward was reading. He frowned.

"What's wrong?" he asked. Vinward was the only one who looked up, Jones because he could hear and the asker of the question already knew the answer. It was a trait that infuriated his teachers at school.

"We don't know. He wont tell us." Vinward answered.

"Who wont?"

"Dad."

"Sorry, what?"

"Dad. Vince. He's crying."

"He's what?"

"Has been since the post came about lunchtime. We don't know what's wrong. He wont tell us but he's acting really… weird. It's a bit scary."

"Right. I'll go have a word."

Howard shut the door. Vince crying over a letter. It didn't sound right. Vince didn't cry over anything, except maybe a ruined outfit but even then, he never really cried. Howard was nervous when he opened the kitchen door. Vince was hunched over the breakfast bar his head in his hands, then, without prompting. He thumbed the table top with his fist.

"Vince." Howard whispered. "Are you okay?"

The younger man turned and suddenly leapt from his seat and ran to Howard, throwing his arms around his waist and burying his head in his chest.

"Hey. What's wrong?"

"Th-they're g-gonna t-take 'em." Vince sobbed.

"Take who?"

"The boys."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"S-social services."

"But we're good parents."

"It's not that. They think we adopted them illegally." Vince wept shoving the crumpled letter at Howard's chest. "It says they haven't got records of us adopting them. They're going to take them from us until we've got legal docum- docment-"

"Documentation?"

"Yes." Vince sobbed. "What are we gonna do? They're coming to get them tonight."

"Tonight?!"

Vince nodded.

"When?"

"Nine o'clock."

Howard checked his watch. Eight thirty. He swore under his breath. How could they do this? They were their sons. They had proof, well, a few pictures of some scans and a birth certificate scrawled out by a gorilla. He sighed. Not exactly the kind of thing that would hold up in court. It wasn't as though they could've marched into a hospital or a government building and a real birth certificate drawn up. They'd have been shoved in straight jackets and put in a padded cell for trying to explain what had happened. They'd just pretended everything was normal but really… they were just waiting for things kick off. Official, Vinward, Jones and Richmond didn't even exist. How can you prove three people who don't exisit are your sons?

"We'll hide them." Vince said. "We'll take them to Naboo's. Leave them there until it blows over."

"What with a stoner and an ape? Excellent Vince," scorned Howard, "we're _trying _to proove we're goo parents."

"We _are _good parents! This is so unfair. None of this would have happened if you were a woman!"

"If _I_ were a woman?! You, sir, got pregnant!"

"Only coz you came and hugged me in the middle of the night like a soldier away from home, missing his wife. _Not in a gay way._" Vince mimicked Howard's reaction when they'd talked about it (not that his frantic use of all the soap in the hotel room hadn't been an over reaction in itself) . "_That hug. It wasn't a hug in a gay way. I'm not gay. I'm still in love with Mrs Gideon. _Howard, you haven't seen Gideon for three years. _I still love her. I write her poetry. I'm a big poetry writing sap! I spent all these years pining after her. _" He stopped.

"Feel better?" Howard asked.

"A bit." Vince nodded coyly. "Sorry," he added, "I just… what are we going to do?" Vince asked, banging his forehead against Howard's chest.

"I… I don't know. We'll just have to prove it with a DNA test I suppose."

"Yes. Brilliant. Great idea. I've seen Jeremy Kyle. It's all done by the next day."

"Yeah, that's not reality though, is it? That's a dickhead, showcasing chavs to lift the mood of the rest of the country because they can watch it and go; 'well, life's not so bad… at least my nan's sisters not going out with my boyfriend of fifteen years and he's contracted syphilis from her coz she's a right goer around the sleazy parts of the east end..'"

There was a pause as Vince's brain digested what he had heard. Then; "That's more Jerry Springer."

"No, on Jerry Springer there'd be incest."

"Hmmm." Vince hummed. "But it will all be sorted out tomorrow, right?"

"Well, maybe but…"

"But what?"

"How are we going to explain this when people come knocking? I mean I love you and the boys. I love our family but… me and you, we're both men. We can't technically conceive children. You'd become a freak show. Showcased all over the world held up as a medical phenomenon. Probably locked in a cage and…"

"Woah. What did you say before that?"

"Medical phenomenon?"

"No. That 'all over the world' bit?"

"Showcased all over the world?"

"Yeah. I could be quite into that."

"No Vince!" Howard said firmly. "It wouldn't be good. They'd do millions of medical experiments and you're no different from the rest of us. You're just too lazy to read a juice carton!"

Suddenly, Vince burst into tears all over again. Howard stood flabbergasted.

"No. No. Don't cry. Vince, come on. I didn't mean it. It was just a joke. Come on, little man. I'm sorry."

"It's not what you said," Vince sobbed, "it's… it's… we're never gonna convince people, are we?"

"Yeah we will." promised Howard, though he didn't believe the words he were saying. "We're good parents, yes? They're not going anywhere. Understand me. We're not letting anyone take them. They're ours."

Just then, the doorbell rang and Vince looked up at Howard, fear evident in his eyes, his face, the way his grip tightened, vice-like on Howard's bicep.

"Don't open it." he whispered but Howard was already on the way to the door. Vince ran to the living room.

"Boys." he cried urgently, "listen to me. We love you very, very much. Okay?"

The triplets shared a confused glance.

"Okay?" Vince repeated angrily.

"Of course."

"Yeah, yeah."

"We know dad. What's going on?" This was Richmond.

"I… nothing." he lied, "Just… we're your dads too. Yeah? Whatever anyone tells you. Whatever they say… whatever they try to prove. You know the truth. You've seen the pictures and the ultrasound scans."

The boys nodded. They looked totally confused and the three stepped closer together. Just then a stern voice said,

"Mr Moon, if you stop me from entering your house, I can have you arrested."

Vince closed his eyes tight and ushered the boys behind him. Jones clutched at Vinward's sleeve tightly and Richmond squeezed in the other side of the moustached boy. The no touching rule had gone completely out of the window.

There was a stopping of footsteps along the tiled floor. They were getting louder and louder. Jones free hand slipped into Vince's. He squeezed it tight as a man in a suit, with a briefcase and a business card strolled towards them,

"Mr Noir. I presume. And these," he peered around Vince's thin body and pressed his face in line with Jones', "must be the boys."

"Piss off!" Vince spat furiously. The man raised an eyebrow, slowly unfolded a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped away some imaginary spit. He replaced the handkerchief and then said,

"Now, now. No need to get aggressive."

"This ain't me aggressive. I'm a cockney ragamuffin, you ain't seen nufin yet." Vince slurred, his finest South London accent starting to show through, just like it always did when he was backed into a corner. Howard presumed it was his flight or flight mechanism, the talk like a cockney thug last resort. He also knew that Vince wouldn't exactly be above the use of violence. Not where the boys were concerned.

"Alright Vince." Howard tried to sooth, though, in reality, he wanted to add to the threats with a few of his own. "Why don't we all sit down and I'll get us all a cup of tea?"

"Mm. Lovely." the social worked said, a weird smile forced its way across his lips and Vince's face screwed up in disgust.

"Don't go Howard," he said desperately, "don't leave us with him!" Vince glared at the man, forcing his sons further behind him.

"It's just tea.""I don't care. He might try and steal 'em."

"Mr Noir." The social worked said, "I'm just trying to do my job."

"Fuck off."

"Vince." warned Howard, "Little ears."

"I'm sorry… I'm just… I'm furious. Don't leave Howard. Okay?"

The older man looked at the social worked apologetically. He shrugged a little and sat in a comfy armchair. _Howard's_ comfy armchair, Vince thought as he sat himself on a sofa. He pulled Richmond on to his lap and put his other arm around Vinward who'd cuddled up to his side. Howard sat close to Vinward and placed Jones on his lap. Jones was holding onto Howard's shirt like his life depended on it and all three boys were terrified. Something was wrong. That much was clear. Vince was shaking too so Howard put and arm out and hugged him. They couldn't have been pressed closer together if they'd been the blocks of a well played Tetris game.

The social worker cleared his throat and opened his briefcase on his knees. The little click sounded and Vince jumped. Howard rubbed his shoulder.

"Now, Mr name is Charles Gordon. I'm not here about the welfare of the children. Anyone can see you're doing a wonderful job. We just seem to have misplaced the adoption certificates. If you could just get them so I can have a look, then I'll be off."

Vince panicked. He pulled the boys closer to him. Richmond winged a little. He was being held so tight now, it was starting to hurt. Vince loosed him a little.

"We don't… erm, have the papers."

"What?" the man looked up.

"At the moment." Howard said, "They've gone to the erm…"

"… pub." Vince suggested.

"passport office." finished Howard.

"Oh yeah, your ones better."

Mr Gordon raised an eyebrow. "Please Mr Moon, Mr Noir, don't give me reason not to believe you."

"Ignore Vince," Howard said, "he talks nonsense when he's nervous. And all the time actually, when he's having a bath, cooking tea, buying a wicker basket."

"We do do that a lot. We go on picnic's at the local park and feed the ducks. The boys love it and…"

"That's all very interesting," Mr Gordon sighed, rustling about behind the lid of his briefcase, "but I still need to see some form of documentation. You must have something."

The two men looked at each other and then back to Mr Gordon.

"Mr Moon, Mr Noir. I do _not _have time for this. You are perfectly at liberty to adopt but it must be done legally."

"Dad," Richmond asked, "are we adopted?"

"No." said Vince firmly, "I told you. You know the truth."

Mr Gordon raised an eyebrow. "Surely, surely, you don't expect them to believe they're not adopted." he asked, "I know some heterosexual couples don't tell their children but… I mean, you two can't conceive."

"That's what you think." muttered Vince. "We did!"

"Padded cell." Howard warned under his breath.

"Oh shut up Howard!" Vince snapped. "This is unfair." He glared at the social worker. "They _are _ours. Both of ours. I got pregnant by accident and had the boys."

"You can't get pregnant." Mr Gordon said, looking into his briefcase and scribbling something down.

"I can! I did! I…"

"He used to be a woman!" Howard blurted out and Jones' eyes grew massive and he looked up at Vince and then pointedly at his chest. He didn't look like a woman. Richmond and Vinward were ignoring the conversation now because, for the first time ever, they thought maybe this family wasn't exactly the norm.

"I what!?" Vince exclaimed, looking at Howard.

"Pardon?" Mr Gordon asked,

"He used to a woman. He's like that, erm, Thomas Beatie."

"Ooookay."

"We don't have the birth certificate because we didn't want any fuss."

"Wait. You _don't_ have any documentation?"

"Erm… no." Howard admitted quietly "But we'll do all the DNA tests you need." Vince nodded desperately in agreement. "But I mean, it's obvious anyway, isn't it? They look just like us." Howard pointed out.

"Hmm. Okay. Well, we'll get you into the hospital tomorrow for the tests."

"No problem." Howard said, "How long does it take for the results?"

"Well, it takes five to ten days."

"That's not too bad."

"But it takes six weeks for them to start work on it. There's quite a backlog in the labs."

"Six weeks!" cried Vince.

"Yes. But you'll be able to visit the boys whenever you want."

"Woah, woah, woah." Howard said, "visit?"

The man nodded. "You can't honestly think I'm going to leave three boys with two men, who apparently have no right to look after them and claim to have conceived together."

"I told you, he used to a woman."

"What? He was a woman and decided instead of that he'd become a gay man? That doesn't add up, does it?"

"It was a mistake." Vince said, "should never have done it. What a fool? Happens all the time, I'm sure."

"No sir. Most people enter into something like a sex change with a lot more care than that. You seem to have rushed and cut corners there like you did with the adoption."

"Oi. What d'you mean, cut corners?"

"Well, you still look like a woman."

"You bastard." Vince spat.

"Little ears." Howard growled.

"Right, well… I don't think there's anything else to say. I will be taking the boys with me now and you can apply for visitation rights."

"You can't have them." screamed Vince, turning so that he was protecting his sons.

"Daddy." Jones whispered, clinging tight to Howard's shirt, "I don't wanna leave. This man smells."

"I'm not letting you go anywhere." Vince promised, stroking hair from Jones face and pulling him close to his chest.

"I'm afraid Mr Noir, it's not up to you." Mr Gordon said getting to his feet. "If you do not give me the children then I can have you arrested."

"So arrest me!" shouted Vince, "I don't care. Tell him Howard. He's not having them."

"Maybe it's best not to provoke them Vince."

"No! You have no idea what it's like there. You had family growing up, with their weird traditions and moustache fetishes. I had nothing! Just a cell and my imagination all because of people like you!" he glared at Mr Gordon. "People like you!" he repeated, they were all on their feet now. The boys were behind their dads peering around sides and through gaps at the man. He was giving them a patronising smile and Richmond rolled his eyes. He hated these types in suits.

"Mr Noir. You're hysterical and quite frankly. You appear to be scaring the boys."

"I'm scaring the boys?" Vince laughed shrilly. The social worker was right, he was hysterical. "You, _sir, _are the one who's marched into their home and is attempting to take them away from everything they know."

"Please Mr Noir. This is difficult enough as it is. Don't make me get the police involved."

"Get 'em involved! I don't care."

"Mr Noir. Stop this or I will have to suggest you can't visit the boys."

"Howard! Tell him. Tell him he can't take them." begged Vince. Howard wrapped his hand around Vince's middle.

"Please." he reasoned, "we're good parents. Why can't we keep them until the court decide? It seems mad to unsettle them." He was remaining incredibly calm and that was because he wasn't really letting himself believe that this was real. This was still the mad far off dream, he'd wake up in a minute. He could feel Vince shaking in his grip. He could feel his sons clinging to one another and to their dads.

"Anyway," Howard said, "shouldn't you be protecting kids who are being abused by their parents?"

"Yeah." Vince agreed.

"Right. That's it." Mr Gordon said firmly. He walked determinedly towards the family and stretched out a hand to grab the closest boy. Jones screamed as the hand clasped around his arm.

"Get off him." Vince cried. He threw a punch but Howard stopped him. He knew that if they did anything too stupid they could lose the boys forever. Vince struggled against the older man, swinging with his right hand.

"Don't make it worse." Howard said, tears streaming down his own face, "we'll get them back." he whispered.

"Jones!" yelled Vince as his son was dragged from the room. He was kicking Mr Gordon in the shins and the man yelped as a pair of sharp little teeth broke the skin on his wrist. Vince was trying to run. He was trying to get Jones back. He was going to tear the social workers eyes out. He'd kill him if he had to but he couldn't escape. Howard was holding him. He was stopping him from protecting the boys.

Vince was bruising Howard's shins but the older man held him firm as he cried helplessly, tears falling down his cheeks getting caught in his moustache. Mr Gordon came back and grabbed Vinward next. The boy ran but Gordon had longer legs. He soon caught him and dragged him from the house. Vince was still yelling and screaming.

"Dad?" Richmond said slowly, "we will come back, wont we?"

"Yes." Vince promised, crouching down to hug Richmond tight, "we'll come and get you. I promise. We're gonna fight this every step of the way. Do you understand?"

Richmond nodded.

"We love you." Howard said, "think of it as a holiday. Okay?"

"Yeah," agreed Vince, "behave yourselves."

Richmond nodded again and took a deep breath, when Gordon returned Richmond went without a fuss. Vince followed to the door. The whole street was out watching the fiasco unfold. Vince slammed the door as accusatory eyes fell on him. He fell to his hands and knees and curled up in a ball. He cried until he felt sick and his throat hurt.

"Vince." Howard whispered. He was stood a few feet away, the tears were streaming down his cheek but he wasn't making the same desperate sobbing, gasping noises Vince was. He had nothing else to say so he just left it there. Vince, on the other hand, had plenty to say.

"You." he seethed, leaping to his feet. He shoved Howard hard in the chest. "You didn't stop them. You let them take our sons. You… you…" Vince thumped Howard hard in the chest until the older man caught his hands. Vince fell weakly against Howard chest and cried.


	2. Chapter 2

**Vince had fallen asleep eventually. He'd just crashed out on the sofa, looking pale and exhausted. Howard had just about managed to carry him up to their bedroom and put him on the bed. He'd collapsed on the mattress next to Vince and sighed, running his hands through his hair. He couldn't sleep. He was too worked up and his mind was racing. He tried to pretend the boys were just down the corridor fast asleep in their beds but he couldn't. It would be too painful when he reminded himself in the morning that they were gone.**

**Vince was tossing and turning restlessly, his flailing arms and legs catching Howard all night until, about three o'clock, the movement stopped. Howard knew Vince was awake but he didn't say anything. He waited for Vince to sidle up and cling on to him like a limpet. Neither of them slept they just clung to each other desperately until the sunrise told them to get up.**

**--**

**The phone hardly rang once before Howard picked it up.**

"**Hello," he said desperately.**

**There'd been three false alarms already this morning. He'd established he didn't want any windows and he wasn't interested in a new bank account and he hadn't been injured at work. All he wanted was to speak to his sons.**

"**Dad!" the voice rang down the line and Howard's hand went to his chest. He felt like his heart was beating through his ribcage and he immediately put the phone on speaker.**

"**Vince!" Howard shouted, "Vince, hurry up."**

**The smaller man was clattering along the corridor and arrived looking like a whirling dervish.**

"**Hey Dad." this was Vinward.**

"**Vin," Vince gasped, "how are you? Are they being nice?""Are they feeding you?""Did you sleep okay?"**

"**How's Jones and Richmond? Are they there?"**

"**Who are you staying with?""I think you've overloaded my brain with questions." groaned what was unmistakably Jones' voice.**

"**Sorry Jonesy," sighed Howard, "how are you?""I'm okay. I wanna come home though. Richie says that it's gonna be ages but I know you're coming to get us soon, aren't you?""As soon as we can," Howard promised, "where are you?"**

"**It's called Grove Cottage in…""Vinward," a voice warned from behind the boys.**

"**Sorry," Vinward said and then down the phone, "we're not allowed to tell you yet. It's smaller than our new house. We have to share a bedroom again."**

**--**

**They'd spoken on the phone for close to an hour until someone on the boys end had told them it had been long enough and they were forced to hang up. Vince hadn't cried after the conversation but he'd been close. He'd sat on the sofa not moving. Howard had let a few tears slip down his cheeks as he made himself and Vince a mug of tea. It was hard to keep going when all they wanted was to get the boys back. They still hadn't been told any of the conditions. There was of course the small glimmer of hope that they could visit the boys everyday.**

**--**

**The doorbell went a few times that day. Ironic really. On the day they didn't want to se anybody, everybody seemed to want to see them. Most of them they just fobbed off with lies until…**

"**Welcome to your new home!" cried Leroy, thrusting a bottle of wine into Howard's hand.**

"**Now's not a good time." Howard sighed, looking up at Leroy and his wife tiredly.**

"**Rubbish, we've got Lauren," Leroy insisted, picking up his daughter, "she can play with Vinward and the boys."**

"**They're not here."**

"**Not here? Where **_**are **_**they then?""W-we don't know," Howard said, his voice straining as he tried to hold it together.**

"**Hey, Howard. What's going on? What's happened?"**

**Howard explained everything in broken sentences with faltering words and strangled noises. As soon as he'd finished, Leroy's wife Rachael thrust Lauren into Leroy's arms and hugged Howard tight. He couldn't even be bother to say 'don't touch me'. Howard didn't really invite them in, it was just sort of allowed. Lauren was told to go and play in the boys' rooms upstairs and the adults went into the living room.**

**Rachael made them cups of tea and nattered away, filling the silence with nonsense and Vince was strangely glad of the endless ramblings. She pushed a steaming mug into his numb fingers and he felt the heat tingling his hands. Howard didn't touch his tea, he just let it go slowly cold on the coffee table.**

"**So, what are the conditions?" asked Leroy, carefully sipping his own tea.**

"**We don't know," admitted Howard, "we've got to do a DNA test at some point but they wont tell us when. Until then, the boys are in care but they wont tell us where… they wont tell us anything!"**

"**I think it's terrible. It's wrong," Rachael sighed, "they shouldn't be able to just take your sons from you like that. There should be laws in place. If this goes to court, I'll be a character witness."**

"**We both will," agreed Leroy. "We'll tell them just how lovely you both are. How we'd trust you with Lauren any time."**

**Howard smiled weakly and thanked her. Just then, the doorbell went again.**

**Rachael said she'd go and answer it.**

"**Well, I might have guessed." Rachael's voice drifted along the hall. The three men in the sitting room frowned. Why was Rachael being so rude? They all got to their feet almost simultaneously and went to the door.**

**Outside, was the old woman that constantly had something negative to say Howard and Vince's about their domestic situation.**

"**Ah, here they are," the woman grinned, "I was just coming around to see how the boys were."**

"**You're so smug," spat Rachael.**

"**What's going on?" Vince asked, leaning wearily against the wall.**

"**I'm just looking out for the boys. It's not right for them to grow up in," she eyed Howard and Vince as if they were something that smelt particularly disgusting, "**_**this **_**situation."**

"**What?" Vince whispered, the dark rings under his eyes were puffy and his eyes looked dull and lifeless. He was weary and to tired to make sense of anything. He'd become almost childlike in the way he lolled his head against Howard's side and asked the older man what was happening.**

"**I-I don't know." Howard admitted.**

"**Did you ring the social services?" Leroy asked.**

"**Of course. For the good of the children."**

"**You're a twisted old woman," spat Vince and Leroy slammed the door. They didn't need the opinions of other people making things worse.**

**--**

**The boys would phone them everyday but it didn't make things any less difficult to hear them on the phone asking to come home. The days just seemed to drag on and on, waiting for someone to give them some good news.**

"**You know," Leroy said slowly, "you could kick up a big fuss."**

"**How?""Take it to press."**

"**But then we'd have to explain everything … we'd become a freak show."**

"**But you'd have your sons back and anyway. Aren't the press gonna start sniffing around if you manage to prove that the boys are biologically both yours."**

"**I guess," frowned Howard, "but I really don't think we want to…""I think it's a great idea," Vince piped up, "if we can get the public on our side then surely that's gonna help get the boys back."**

"**But **_**you**_** gave birth Vince. What if they try and take **_**you **_**away.""I don't care anymore Howard. I need them back.""Me too."**

"**So lets do something about it." Vince said determinedly. "Let's show that stupid old woman and everyone else. I don't care about being a freak show, I just want my sons back."**

"**Really?"**

"**Yeah."**

"**Okay. I'm so glad you said that." Howard breathed heavily. "Let's just hope it makes a difference."**

**Okay - bit of a filler chapter because updates are gonna be a little spaced out for this fic because I have a lot of RL things happening at the moment!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hiya!  
I'm not really sure what to say about the return of this fic except for a MASSIVE apology to everyone for the update not coming sooner. This fic is just not writing itself and I'm not at all happy with it but finally, FINALLY, I think I might be getting somewhere.**

**Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far and I hope I haven't left it too long for you want to bother reading anymore...  
Also, to everyone who's a fan of these fics PLEASE check out BrieStarWarsQueen's pics on deviant art! They are absoulutely brilliant!! .com ( Hopefully this address will come up; if not, then the links are on her profile page! =] =]) And if not here it is again: (but you have to take the spaces out from between the letters!) h t t p : / / s t a r w a r s q u e e n . d e v i a n t a r t . c o m**

**CHECK IT OUT! IT'S AMAZING!!**

**Anyway, that's all for me!  
Hope you enjoy... (and sorry again!)**

**I.B/ Sisi...xx**

* * *

**Worlds First Pregnant Man**

**Gay Couple Claim to Have Conceived Triplets**

**Peter Andre Discusses Hot Tubs, Cocktails and Vince Noir: Pregnant Man**

**Vince Noir: How I Became Pregnant - Sun Exclusive**

**Howard Moon Talks To Heat About His Freaky Other Half**

**Vince Noir - FREAK**

**Mutant Genes Developed**

**Vince Noir Taken In For Tests**

**Noir Revealed As Fake - No Way He Could Give Birth**

**NOIR FAKER AND FREAK**

**NOIR IN IT FOR THE MONEY**

"**Preggers Man is Liar" says Doctor**

--

Vince woke up with a start. He was shivering, his sweat-drenched sheets in a bundle by his feet and he was alone.

"Howard," he hissed, thumping the part of the bed where Howard should have been. "Howard!" he shouted, more frantic now. He couldn't have lost him too. Please no. What if he'd just had enough? What if he was angry at Vince? What if he blamed him for losing the boys? Vince was about to go into meltdown.

At that second, Howard stumbled through the door looking frantic.

"What?"

"Where the hell were you?"

"Downstairs, I can't sleep."

"Me neither," sighed Vince, patting the bed beside him, indicating Howard should sit down.

"You know, court today. It's not gonna be easy."

"I know," nodded Vince, slumping to lie on Howard. It was going to be a difficult enough day anyway and it wasn't going to be helped by the fact that because of the various interviews Howard and Vince had done, the plight of the Noir-Moon family had become headline news for a weeks. Even now, at half four in the morning, Howard knew there'd be news vans from the biggest companies getting ready outside. EvenVince and Howard's departure from the house was going to make headline news.

Vince could sense Howard's apprehention.

"It'll be okay though," Vince said with forced brightness to his voice, "Naboo's given us the best lawyer in town."

"Mmm." Howard was sceptical, to say the least, about Naboo's choice of lawyer.

--

"This is an outrage!"

"You look like a testicle!" Vince shouted, "how is anyone going to take us seriously if _you _are representing us?"

"Oh my god, I've never been so insulted. I wore my best suit just for this very occasion. Mrs Harrison said I looked like Brad Pitt."

"You look like Brad Pitt's _ball _burning in a skip."

"Awww, what are you doing here?"

"I," Saboo said, drawing himself tall, "am going to be representing Vince and Harold."

"Howard."

"Shut up you moustache with a man attached. And," he turned back to Tony Harrison, "I'm going to do a good deal better job that you would've my friend. A good deal."

"You? You wouldn't know a successful lawyer speech if it smacked you in the face with a crocodile name Billy."

Vince banged his head against Howard's shoulder as the two shaman began to fight.

"We're never going to get the boys back," he sighed.

"Stay positive," Howard warned, though it was becoming increasingly difficult to do so.

Take now, for instance, they were stood in the corridor outside the court room with the entire board of shaman being told by Naboo that Tony Harrison was the best. However, the court refused to accept Harrison because his only qualifications, it seemed, were something his wife had written on some kitchen roll with a crayon.

Now they were stuck with the 'second best lawyer in the world'… Saboo.

--

Once settled in the court the judge simply asked them if they wanted their sons back. Yes. And were they willing to do a DNA text to prove their paternity. Yes. Court dismissed.

"What?" Vince asked and it took the whole car journey home to explain that the preliminary hearing was just to gage the starting point of the case.

"So what do we do now?"

"We get the DNA tests done and then, we wait." Howard sighed.

--

Three months. That's how long it took for the courts to get the DNA results back. That's how long the contact between Howard, Vince and the boys was kept to the absolute minimum. Three months.

Vince was desperate just to see them , to hold them and tell them things were okay. They seemed to be content enough where they were, though Vinward moaned that Jones wouldn't sleep in his own bed and Jones moaned that his new parents wouldn't let him wear some of the clothes he liked.

"They said that purple trousers aren't the right clothes for a boy to wear to school."

"You wear what you want Jonesy," Vince said angrily.

"I will, I wore the purple ones underneath and took the black ones off when I got to school."

"Shouldn't you have been wearing the uniform?" Howard asked.

"That's what Mrs Cole said, but I don't like the uniform."

"Well Mrs Cole's a bitch," hissed Vince, which had led Howard to growl a warning in his partners ear about not insulting their children's foster mother.

"Hey dad, guess what?" Jones said suddenly brighter, "Mrs Cole's taking us for a trip to a tennis courts tomorrow."

"Not a tennis court you idiot," Vinward scorned, "a law court."

"What's that?"

"Erm, well … it's er, clearly a …"

"It's where they're going to decide if we can go home," Richmond said whilst his moustached brother struggled to retain his air of superior intellect.

"Who decides? Can we decide? I wanna come home now dads. This holidays well boring. Can we go to the goofy lodge next year?"

"Told you the goofy lodge was the best," Vince said smugly."Noooooooo," groaned Richmond and Vinward together, "not the goofy lodge."

"Ha!" Howard said smugly to Vince before turning his attention back to the phone, "we'll go somewhere when you come home, I promise."

Three cheers went up at the other end of the phone and then a woman's voice telling the boys it was time to say goodbye.

"See you tomorrow at the tennis," Jones whooped.

"Bye dad."

"Bye."

--

One side of the court room was filled with snobby, rich people who could take a day off work just to stick their long noses into other people's lives especially when it was the lives of the most talked about family in Britain. The Noir-Moon's were so famous now that a picture of the 'unseen miracle triplets' was worth a steady £10,000 to any photographer lucky enough to snap it.

The other side of the hall was filled with the weird and wonderful from all of Camden's coolest hang-out there to show their support for the Prince of Camden and his family. Though Howard wasn't sure how much the support of a load of potentially drug-addled socialites was going to help and he nearly screamed in frustration, when he saw a very large, very hairy woman with startlingly bright blue eyes and a horrible taste in yellow flowery dresses and matching sun hats, sit down.

"What the hell is Bollo doing here?" Howard hissed in Vince's ear.

"He's the boys god father."

"They'd need to be christened to have a god father."

"Well, he's an important part of their lives."

"We're trying to prove we're capable parents, lets not mention that we used to live with an ape, okay?"

Vince frowned a little. Of course he was brought up by animals, the thought of a gorilla bringing up children didn't strike him as even slightly abnormal. But, he saw the look of pleading in Howard's eyes and he decided to do as he asked.

"Please rise for the honourable Judge James," was the announcement. Everyone rose to their feet.

Howard could hardly breath now. He felt like his tie was choking him though, in reality, this was the loosest he'd ever worn it. He felt like his jacket was burning his skin and he could feel the sweat streaming down his face as it poured off his hair. Vince looked the cool picture of calm stood next to him. He was wearing his gold Chelsea boots and his skinny black jeans and a t-shirt that was too colourful for any court room. Anyone who didn't know him would think he was perfectly composed but Howard knew he was acting confident the hope that it would make the jury think he _was_ confident. He could see the anxiousness in the fidgety little side-steps he was taking and the nervous way he was attacking his thumbnail with his teeth.

Howard decided to give Vince's jaw a rest by taking his hand and whispering that they should go and sit down.

As soon as the contact between them was made, a flash went off and a man at the back of the court was being thrown out. Vince tensed a little and his grip on Howard's fingers tightened as they made their way to the seats.

Just as the buzz in the room started to die down the double doors at the back opened and a loud gasp sounded as the triplets walked in. There were several flashes all at once and the security went on a rampage kicking out each of the photographers who'd snapped photo's of the triplets.

Vince shuddered a little when he saw his sons. They were huddled together in a group, Jones looked like he was walking all over Vinward's feet and he was holding both his brothers hands tightly. Vinward seemed to be acting tough. He was stood just in front of the other two as though protecting them but Howard and Vince could see the fear in his small brown eyes. Richmond was just peering around at everything. He looked miserable but he always did.

Suddenly, Jones spotted Howard and Vince. He dropped his brothers' hands and ran as fast as he could to the front of the court. Vince stood up too but just as they were about to hug, Jones was caught by a security man and put into a strange, pen-like contraption near the jury. He was quickly joined by Richmond and Vinward and Vince watched on, trying very hard not to cry.

Howard frowned, "I'm not really sure they should be here." Vince just shrugged, as he mouthed comforting lies to his sons.

"You'll be coming home soon."

"We love you," Howard agreed.

A swoop of black cloak and a heightened air of arrogance in the room, told of Saboo's arrival.

"Okay," he said, taking his seat next to Howard, "let's get this show on the road. I have other places to be."

--

It dragged on for hours.

"The Noir-Moon's are misleading the boys by telling them they are their real, biological dads. As we all know it is biologically impossible for two men to conceive a child. These blatant lies that Mr Noir and Mr Moon have told their sons shows that either they are deliberately trying to confuse the boys _or, _if they genuinely believe what they are saying, they are delusional and are therefore in no fit state to look after any children."

"Mr Saboo, do you have anything to say against this?"

"Yes." Saboo stood up, his impressive height and long robes doing nothing to convince the jury he was a successful lawyer. "I think the question is jury, have you ever been to the crunch?"

"Oh here we fucking go," claimed the strangled voice of Tony Harrison.

"The crunch," Saboo continued, "is where we find ourselves now. A situation that doesn't make any sense. Two men who've managed to conceive children. It's madness, they say. No!" Saboo slammed his fist on the desk in front of the jury speaker, who jumped violently.

"That was your first taste of crunch," Saboo said calmly; before continuing, "if we cannot believe the words of a stationary enthusiast and an electro-nonce in this day an age then what can we believe. You'll be telling me next that shamans shouldn't be allowed to live with their familiars and smoke hallucinatory drugs. And let me tell you, I don't want to live in a world where Kirk," he pointed at the man-child, "isn't allowed to smoke his own poison arrow frog. I rest my case." And with that he sat down pompously, as though he hadn't just spoken a pile of nonsensical rubbish.

The judge, looking completely bewildered, called Vince and Howard to the bench.

"Listen, this is completely off the record. I feel for you guys, I know it must be tough getting a good lawyer so I'm willing to call time on today's shenanigans," he shot Saboo a filthy look, "and we can reconvene tomorrow with a _new _lawyer, yes?"

"Yes, sir. Sorry." Howard apologised.

"Okay," the lawyer said, shaking both their hands.

They hadn't been able to say even a polite goodbye as the boys were carted off. They'd just watched. Helpless. Vince had began to feel helpless all the time. He never seemed to be able to do anything at all, he just moped about waiting for today to come and now that it had, they'd been a laughing stock because they'd trusted Naboo to find them a lawyer.

"We'll never find anyone by tomorrow," Vince groaned as he threw his coat down in the sitting room. "It's impossible."

"Well, we could try this number." Howard smiled, producing a card from his pocket.

"What's that?"

"The Judge slipped it into my hand when we shook."

"Who is it?"

"A woman named Sarah McFadlin, apparently she's the best adoption lawyer in Britain."

"She's going to be really expensive then."

"Well, lets ring her and see."

* * *

**First Day of Noir-Moon Adoption Trial Complete Disaster**

_Howard Moon and Vince Noir may have to get used to the thought of remaining childless if yesterdays opening day of the case was anything to go by. After a great start by prosecution lawyer, Mick Andrews, in which the physical impossibilities of two men bearing a child was explained in great detail, a bumbling alcoholic stood as lawyer for the defence._

_The man known simply as 'Saboo' began by talking of 'The Crunch' which is believed by many to be a new street-name of some form of illegal drug as 'Saboo' went on to claim he 'didn't want to live in a world where Kirk_ [pictured left] _isn't allowed to smoke his own poison arrow frog'. At this point, the honourable Judge James stepped in, giving Moon and Noir until today to find themselves another new lawyer. After reports state their first choice lawyer was not allowed to represent them through lack of credentials._

_We are very excited to find out what kind of bumbling idiot is next on Moon and Noir's list of incompetent lawyers. But the real excitement of today's instalment in this crazy, crazy case is that the DNA results are going to be in. So, what are we expecting to see? Genetics and evolution re-written __**or**__ the humiliation of two of Britain's most insane eccentrics. Our money's on the purchase of two straight jackets with a trip to the loony-bin for Moon and Noir._


	4. Chapter 4

"We can't afford her." Howard sighed. He'd just hung up the phone after talking for a long time with the judge's recommended lawyer.

"We can," Vince insisted.

"Vince, look at me. Seriously now, we can't possibly afford her."

"B-but…"

"I'm sorry. What about my cousin Bill?"

"Howard! Don't even joke about things like that! Bill's never won an argument in his life. Not even when he was arguing with Jones about whether Kangaroos lived in Africa."

"Well, Jones can be very persuasive."

"He was four at the time!" Vince cried, punching a cushion on the sofa angrily. Howard just watched in terror. He hadn't seen Vince's violent side for years. He knew it was in him; he was a cockney ragamuffin, everyone knew that but Vince had learnt to control it. Howard knew Vince was unravelling slowly. He wasn't used to not getting his own way and now he was desperate. Desperation wasn't good for Vince it turned him crazy.

Vince looked up and saw the look of worry and fear in Howard's eyes.

"Sorry," he whispered, "I just…" he trailed off, looking into his lap sorrowfully. Howard shifted closer and put his arms around his shoulder.

"I know," Howard soothed as he held him close. "I understand."

--

They went to bed that night with no idea what was going to happen the next day at court. Howard had even suggested that he represent them, though Vince pointed out they'd be better off with Kirk. Neither had really slept that night. They'd just stared into the blackened room wondering what the hell they could do.

The next morning came far to quickly and it didn't bring them any answers or ideas. They left the house in complete despair. The cameras flashed and journalists scribbled in their notebooks like they always did. They were documenting every step of the two men who claimed to have conceived together. Howard and Vince climbed into the van and drove towards the court house.

As they pulled into the car park, a young woman in a grey suit complete with pink shirt came over pointing purposely at her watch.

"Gentlemen, you are late," she scorned as Howard opened his door.

"Howard Moon is never late."

"As far as I'm concerned, anything less that twenty minutes prior to the beginning of the trial is late," she snapped her fingers as though to emphasise the point. "Do you understand?"

"Erm… yeah, I guess. But who are you?" Vince asked.

"My name is Sarah McFadlin, I'm your new lawyer. And you, sir, need a drastic change in wardrobe."

"What?!" Vince cried. No one, no one told Vince Noir how to dress.

"Do you want your children back or not Mr Noir?"

"Of course but…"

"Then do exactly as I say. Now, change your clothes That outfit doesn't exactly say 'responsible adult', does it?"

"Yes but…"

"Change!" She shouted. Vince didn't try to protest again. There were a couple of Howard's old shirts in the back and some of Vince's old clothes. He managed to cobble together a more sensible 'dad' outfit. When he got out of the van, Howard was talking numbers with McFadlin.

"It's not that we don't want you on our side," he explained sadly. "It's just that we haven't got the money to pay you."

"It's been sorted." she said shortly.

"By who?"

"I don't know. Strange, short man wearing a blue hat."

--

Vince and Howard had to admit the second day of the trial had run a lot more smoothly. McFadlin was like a terrier with a particularly juicy bone. She would not let anything go. She fought and fought against every single bad word said against Vince and Howard and at the end of the day's trial she brought out the big gun.

"Exhibit A," she smiled, taking some pieces of paper from a clear plastic bag and handing one to the judge and the other to the jury. The judge stared at the paper for a moment. Then he took off his glasses, wiped them on his shirt and put them back on his nose before peering at the paper again.

"What is this?" he asked after a moment or two.

"It's the DNA results," McFadlin answered calmly."But that's impossible. Surely, it's not possible."

The judge looked up from his paper, stared at the two men ahead of him and then back at the paper.

"The results say," he said slowly and blinking a lot as though expecting to wake-up from a dream at any moment. "The results say that Vince Noir and Howard Moon are both the biological fathers of the boys."

The whole room looked stunned and journalists scribbled furiously in their note books.

--

**Noir-Moon Adoption Trial Takes Twist**

_So with the DNA results showing the boys a positive match to both men, people have begun to ask questions like; how is this possible?_

'_We didn't have sex,' Noir explained when told by the judge to tell the court exactly how the boys had been conceived. 'There was a magic potion made by a shaman for his alien friend. I thought it was orange juice so I drank it and then Howard got some down him. Then we went on holiday and we had to share a bed… not in a gay way. Not back then. And then we cuddled, not in a gay way, and I got pregnant.'_

_Needless to say, the jury and judge were somewhat sceptical of the story and have had Noir sectioned whilst they wait for a separate DNA test to be done. According to experts the results should be through by Friday and should show the truth father and mother of the three boys._

* * *

**Just something to keep you going for now…**

**This will be finished in the next week!! =D Thank Google!! (and Black dog64, who gave me the kick up the arse I needed to start working on this again)  
****Thanks for reading (and for sticking with me on this one!).  
****xx**


	5. Chapter 5

They'd let Vince out as soon as they realised there was nothing wrong with him.

"Overactive imagination and stress," the doctor had decided and Vince was allowed to walk free straight into Howard's arms. He ignored McFadlin but he could hear Howard talking angrily to her.

"They've got the proof," he was shouting. "You picked holes in everything they said all day, you gave them the DNA results and they _still _won't give us our sons. What do we have to do?"

"Mr Moon," she replied in her calm, cold tone, "I genuinely believe that on Friday, the judge and jury will have to put their conventional logic aside and give you back your sons. I honestly can't see them being able to find any excuse not to. Though maybe there should be less of the talk about aliens and shamans."

Howard nodded as Vince sobbed painfully against his shoulder.

It was a tough three days until Friday. Howard tried to lose himself in scat and bebop but not even jazz was enough to drown out the voice in the back of his head that told him this was their last chance to get the boys back. Vince couldn't sit still. He couldn't sleep. He wouldn't eat. He was a ball of nervous ever-depleting energy and on the Thursday it finally took it's toll on him.

Howard had been reading, or at least he'd been trying to read, The Global Explorer. He'd hardly taken much notice when Vince had got up from his seat in the arm chair and walked to the kitchen. Vince was always getting up and moving about at the moment. It gave him something to do other than think.

Howard heard the creaking of the pipes, the telltale sign that the tap was running. And running and running … and running. It had been going on for ages and Howard wondered what the hell Vince was possibly doing with all that water.

"Vince," he called, lowering his magazine. "Vince, are you okay?"

There was no reply. He put the magazine down and pushed himself to his feet.

"Vince," he called again as he walked towards the kitchen. He opened the door slowly and was horrified to see a puddle on the laminate floor.

"Vince!" he screamed as he flung the door open.

The younger man was sprawled across the tiles. The thinnest trickle of blood at the corner of his mouth. Howard panicked. It was what he did best. He turned the tap off and pulled the dishcloth, which had wedged itself down the plughole, free. It was almost as though he was trying not to have to think about dealing with Vince. The more other things he had to occupy himself with the less he had to ponder what exactly was wrong with Vince. He just stared at the younger man for a moment. He didn't know what to do or say. He had no idea what could have happened.

Eventually, as the gurgling sound from behind him told him the water had cleared from the sink he was snapped back to reality and rang for an ambulance.

Vince was fine. He'd banged his head quite hard but the doctor reassured Howard it was nothing to worry about, though they did want to keep him in over night.

"Has he been stressed recently?" the doctor asked.

"Yes," Howard answered. He was sat next to Vince's bed, holding his hand. The younger had a drip because he was running dangerously low on … well, everything but apart from that and the general paleness, he looked okay.

"Has he been eating?"

"No." Howard squeezed his partner's limp hand a little. He just wished he'd squeeze back. The doctor could tell him Vince was fine until he was blue in the face but Howard wouldn't be convinced until he could feel Vince, warm and moving in his arms.

"Has he been sleeping?"

"No."

"Has he been drinking heavily?"

"No, he hasn't drunk much at all. Not even water."

"Drugs?"

"No."

"Okay, thank you Mr Moon."

Howard just nodded curtly and turned back to look at Vince's pale unmoving form in the horrible green hospital bed. It looked like he'd have to go to court on his own today.

--

When Vince Noir woke up, he was surrounded by people. His parents were there, hiding their cigarettes from the nurses and telling him to man-up. Howard was there, holding his hand tightly and apologising on behalf of Mr and Mrs Noir. But most importantly, his boys were there. Three small heads peering down at him like inquisitive monkeys.

"Hey Daddy," Jones said as Vince' eyes fluttered open. "You're very lazy, you've been asleeping for _days._"

Vince blinked a few times and stared at the triplets. Then he gathered them into his arms and cried.

--

"So what happened?" Vince asked, as he packed his stuff into a small bag. He was very ready to leave this place with it's too clean hospital smell and it's horrible artificial lights and horrible artificial people.

"They looked at the other DNA test and Sarah McFadlin got some science expert in and they both said that the boys were undeniably ours."

"And what are they saying about the fact we're both men?"

"Ah," Howard said before quickly trying to change the subject onto something about food.

"Ah … what?"

"Nothing."

"No, what have they said?"

"Well … nothing. Honestly. It's just …"

"Just what?"

"Erm," Howard tentatively handed Vince a newspaper.

**Vince Noir Woman All Along**

_Vince Noir, who was born Vanessa Noir …._

Vince didn't need to know the rest. He threw the paper to the bed and glared at Howard.

"Where've they got this from?"

"Well…"

"Howard?"

"Look, I panicked okay… they asked how the kids were born and Sarah warned me about telling the truth. It was the only thing I could think of."

"Who asked?"

"The breakfast news people."

"Breakfast news!" Vince shouted. "You told the whole of Britain I was a woman?"

"It was an accident," protested Howard weakly. Then he looked up and saw Vince was grinning wildly.

"What?" Howard asked timidly.

"I don't care," Vince grinned. "I don't care what people think. We've got our boys back."

"And you're okay."

"Yeah." Vince agreed, as the three boys came bundling into the room squabbling over who got the biggest galaxy bar, from the hospital vending machine, "come on everyone, let's go home."


End file.
